DJ Dan June 30 transcript
A= Announcer D= DJ Dan T= Tanya C#= Callers 1-? ---- A: Coming to you live, from the fire in your belly... DAN JINGLE You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man. D: And uh I'm here talking to Russ... C1: Russell... D: Russell... uh yeah Russell Andrews who's here to tell you... C1: over him...Who's here to tell you that we are in a lot of trouble and most of us don't even realize it... D: Russell, Russell, Russell! I'm trying to be polite here! Russell! continues talking over him "...we have an ecosystem on the brink of collapse here..." Tell us, what is your job? C1: Chuckle Now, I've already explained, I'm a mathematical forecaster and.. D: Now, now, hold it right there, just hold... my listeners hear "mathematical forecaster" and already click they're disconnected. Now Russ, tell me, what does a mathematical forecaster do? C1: OK, basically I use algorhithms to forecast systematic-- D: *EHHH!!* You use math to predict the future--but Russ, nobody can predict the future! C1: Not true-- D: I repeat, NOBODY. I don't care who you are: who you are, what you do, who you pray to, what kind of computer power you're packing, what kinds of degrees your holding, what kind of tarot cards, and star charts and tea leaves and coffee grounds and pigs blood and moo-moon suits and--you can never predict what's coming out of my mouth right now--give me-it a shot--try try TRY--SIX BACKWARDS CHURCH DUMMIES! You know? Madagascar! Huh? C1: Chuckle So what? D: So I just proved my point. C1: Look, DJ Dan, if what I'm saying is so far off the mark, tell me, why would the U.N. hire Enzo Valenzetti in 1963 to apply the laws of statistical probability to predict the future--of mankind? D: Enzo Venzo-whatawhatawha? C1: Enzo Valenzetti. He was the greatest mind in mathematical history. D: Then, then, how come I ain't heard of him. C1: 'Cause he died before his prime. He was piloting a plane from Naples to Paris, and he just--disappeared. He--he was killed. KILLED, DJ Dan, to hide the TRUTH. D: And uh what truth might that be? C1: OK, after the Cuban Missile Crisis, the U.N. decided to apply my field, uh, to the problems of humanity. They hired this Princeton grad student Valenzetti to come up with an equation that would help look into the fu-- D: Alright, Rusty, Rusty. What did this equation say? C1: Well, nobody knows. It was an oral presentation to the U.N,. and then the whole thing's been suppressed. And he developed it on his own in seclusion. D: Then how do you know that this Valenzetti Equation even exists? C1: Because a book was written about it. I've been trying to get my hands on it for years, but it's out of print, and somebody just bought the original publisher... D: Yeah, sounds like a real conspiracy theory, Rusty. And who, pray tell, bought the publishing company? C1: The Hanso Foundation. D: SHUTDOWN! Very clever, Russ, very clever, but I've seen enough parlor tricks in my day to know when I'm being had. Next caller. C2: voice Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to shutdown your callers, DJ Dan. D: Oooooohhh, a feisty one! You sound WAY too hot to be one of my Conspiraspies. Who am I talking to here? C2: Here's what I know. Remember your Vik Institute show? The mental hospital run by the Hanso Foundation full of number-crunching savants in a mysterious third basement? I know for a FACT it's full of mathematicians, and those savants? They're running an equation over and over. It's just like what you said. Mittelwerk doesn't want a data trail. D: So you think they're running this Valentiki equation? C2: Guess you are as smart as you look. D: Ooooohhh. If I wasn't married I'd take you to the Puerto Rican beach where I grew up and marry you on the SPOT! C2: Too bad you're married! D: Eh...quisa me puedes coger la corriente y decirme lo que tienes puesto, por favor? (Translation: Maybe you could catch my drift and tell me what you have on, please?) C2: ....you wanna know what I'm wearing?!... Something cute. Too bad the Hanso Foundation wants me dead. You'll never get to see. D: Wait a minute, who is this, really? C2: Persephone. D: PERSEPHONE?!... Perse--Tonya, quick! Trace the call, trace the call right now, trace the call, trace it right now! C'mon!! T: Trace it? With my pencil? D: Just... wait... DJ Dan, more in love than ever before... A: You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man. June 26 ~DJ Dan 0630